I’m back!
Photo from Burning Man
Quick Life Update
I’ve been on a healing and exploratory trip to the US which is slowly coming to an end. Currently, I’m back at my “home”, the Bullocks Permaculture Homestead, relaxing and being a healthy human again. I’ve missed that so much.
Clinical Depression 2012~
This trip has been nourishing in many ways, an extremely welcomed break from the Tokyo life that I’ve struggled with so much. I fell into the deep hole of clinical depression after losing my best-friend in a very unpleasant and unfortunate divorce. That in itself was devastating, but the March 11th Tohoku earthquake and Fukushima nuclear disaster also added to the confusion and instability that continues to haunt me. Moving from the Bullocks where I was intimately connected to nature and people, to a cluttery house in Tokyo with very little nature, sunlight, and space has taken a serious toll too. I just felt like I had to get out of there, heal my mind, reconnect with my power, and figure out how I can live in Tokyo without being crushed.
US Trip 2013
Photo from Bullocks (the Japanese Permaculture Tour)
So, here I am, at the Bullocks after a series of stimulating adventures, transitioning from relaxing and healing, to preparing for my next session in Tokyo. Since I came to the US, I’ve gone to Burning Man for the first time and lead a two-week Pacific North West permaculture tour for 10 Japanese people. Both have been transformative experiences that inspired me to continue my work in Japan. I’ll hopefully have a chance to share pictures and write about those experiences more in-depth soon, but for the moment I wanted to share something I did during the peak of my depression (it was a long peak).
Pre-TEDx Talk
Fellow students in the Graduate Program in Sustianability suggested that I apply for the pre-TEDx Todai speech contest (Todai = University of Tokyo). Since I always have a message that I want to spread, and have an addiction to forcing myself to face my fear of public speaking, I applied and passed the interview. For as long as I remember, I’ve had stage fright. My symptoms include intense heart beating, difficulty in temperature regulation, involuntary shaking, tense facial expressions, and my mind blanking out. It’s super unpleasant! So, there I was in Tokyo with a busy schedule of grad school and activism, battling depression, and taking on an extra dose of fear and stress. Somehow, I managed to come up with a talk that wasn’t terrible in content and execution.
The speech contest consisted of eight University of Tokyo students who passed the initial interview. These eight, including myself, each made a speech to about 150 people (primarily undergraduates) and four judges. Two would be selected to participate at the TEDxTodai event a month later. I had a week to come up with a coherent idea that I’m passionate about, and memorize the script as no notes were allowed. My goal for the talk was to present an alternative way of thinking and living to the heavily sheltered elite students of Todai, and to critique the Japanese university education. It was a call to shed their identities as consumers of products and education, and evolve into producers of a new culture. The underlying theme was youth empowerment. Below is the video of me giving that talk in super nervous mode.
After the talk, I was immersed in a mixed sense of 1. relief that I was done and 2. regret that I didn’t do as good of a job as I wanted (but of course). During the reception after the event, the judges announced the two TEDx Todai speakers. I was hoping it wasn’t me because I had an immensely stressful experience but there was also a tiny sprout of desire for a bigger challenge and more exposure. I was picked to go onto the TEDx Todai stage.
The speech contest consisted of eight University of Tokyo students who passed the initial interview. These eight, including myself, each made a speech to about 150 people (primarily undergraduates) and four judges. Two would be selected to participate at the TEDxTodai event a month later. I had a week to come up with a coherent idea that I’m passionate about, and memorize the script as no notes were allowed. My goal for the talk was to present an alternative way of thinking and living to the heavily sheltered elite students of Todai, and to critique the Japanese university education. It was a call to shed their identities as consumers of products and education, and evolve into producers of a new culture. The underlying theme was youth empowerment. Below is the video of me giving that talk in super nervous mode.
After the talk, I was immersed in a mixed sense of 1. relief that I was done and 2. regret that I didn’t do as good of a job as I wanted (but of course). During the reception after the event, the judges announced the two TEDx Todai speakers. I was hoping it wasn’t me because I had an immensely stressful experience but there was also a tiny sprout of desire for a bigger challenge and more exposure. I was picked to go onto the TEDx Todai stage.
TEDxTodai
I wanted to come up with a more powerful talk in both content and delivery. I decided to focus on my mindfulness activities and share some of the teachings of Zen master Thich Naht Hanh that have positively impacted me. I wanted a provocative message for my fellow Tokyo dwellers and more importantly for myself. What could be the most valuable thing I could share/remind myself? Permaculture, guerrilla gardening, sustainability and democracy activism, youth empowerment, compassionate communication (NVC), Vipassana, and mindfulness practice are all things that I want to spread in the world. But, when it comes down to it, I feel stopping and breathing is perhaps the most valuable thing I know and practice (sometimes). It’s a radical notion in a culture where speed and efficiency are the worshipped.
Of course I did not do this alone. I had loving support from the Plum Village monastics, fellow Wake Up youth meditators, TEDxTodai staff, my housemate Cynthia, my wonderful family, and my afro, that helped greatly improve my content and performance. I'm quite impressed that this is my second speech ever in my life, under the influence of stage fright and sometimes debilitating depression.
Hope you enjoy it and start stopping.
Meditation Flash Mob at Todai
After the talk, there was a reception of over 60 people consisting of students, faculty, business people, and university staff. An undergraduate TEDx staff member also by the name of Kai suggested that we try a meditation flash mob during the reception party. What an awesome idea! So, after a few hours of eating fancy appetizers and getting tipsy, a bell of mindfulness rang and I sat down in meditation. A few others who knew the plan sat down in different parts of the hall and slowly others started to join us. It was a beautiful shift in energy, from a loud and chaotic party atmosphere to an ever-increasing ocean of silence. My eyes were closed so I just heard the rapidly increasing quiet that permeated the party until none of the 60 or so people were talking. Wow! The power of silence.
I wonder if that was the first meditation flash mob in a party where everyone participated. What impressed me was that most of those at this reception had never consciously meditated and had no idea about the flash mob. What an experience for them!
I wanted to share this with you all because it was a major accomplishment for me. A celebration. It is a powerful light shining into my cave of disempowerment and helplessness. A reminder that I’m not hopeless.
Meditation Flash Mob Resources
The Wake Up movement: Young Buddhists and non-Buddhist for a healthy and compassionate society
There were two other performances at TEDxTodai that I really enjoyed so I wanted to share that with you. One is a dance group I really like called World Order and the other is by a young poet-taiko drummer, Chris.
1. World Order. They don't have the video of their performance at TEDx but they did the dance from this music video live. Click here for their dance in NYC.
2. Chris Holland: Is it worth sacrificing cultural identity
*at 5:24 he starts his spoken word and at 13:00 he starts taiko drumming
Hi Kai, excellent talk at TedX. Thank you. The part where you intentionally stalled in between lines was my favorite, more engaging - I thought - than the bell or your examples of slowing down, for in that instant you revealed the listeners' angst.
ReplyDeleteOn the depression front, just remember that when we talk to old folk who’ve lived the hard life and used hand-tools and horses to farm, we not only get taught about how hard the manual labor was, but that the most critical part of that system was to not run out of human will, to be psychologically sustainable.
Sincerely,
ken
adams guild™, Japan
Thanks ken!
DeleteSure, Kai.
ReplyDeleteTo mindfulness and staying seriously excited. Watch out for a Transition Town in Ogawa, Nagano, 210 kilometers from the heart of Tokyo. I recently found (and am purchasing right now) a 150 year old kominka on 2 acres of land [tanbo, hatake, forest] there, whereby I plan to sow the seed that is TT, host blitzes and wayfarers of Freethought [from one-offs to permanent].
As you well know Japan has a middle class that are hobbyists, practicing difficult skills that are not yet necessary for society, like veranda gardening and DIY, and a lower class that is content to work for lower end wages and consume entertainment. Eventually everyone will overlap, and the sort of permaculture envisioned by so many today, will have to happen in one way or another.
I get the feeling many people are in tune with what you are saying, even if their actions don't reflect it yet. These things take time. Much, much time.
Cheers,
ken
adams guild™, Japan
Hello Kai,
ReplyDeleteOr should I say はじめまして。
My name is Bianca. Born in Romania, now in my 3rd year in Japan.
I was thinking to enroll in the GPSS program and was trying to get in touch with some students to talk about life on campus, when I found your blog.
It's very impressive, let me tell you.
But I could also feel how you fight with
depression in Tokyo.
And you know, I really think you need a friend. One to whom you can just purge to. One who can listen and understand and bare that weight with you.
I live at the tail of Tokyo, Kai, and I know it's hard to trust a stranger,
so I invite you to contact me on bianca_ghitescu@yahoo.com .
When you really feel you could just break to pieces, I could be there with you, for you, no strings attatched.